Operation: Infiltrate Hogwarts
by Flamed-heart
Summary: Voldemort's failed attempts to infiltrate Hogwarts. Hookers and Transvestites, Barbie dolls and action figures, Burger King crowns, stolen Lemon Drops and more stupidity than you can shake a stick at...but why exactly do we shake sticks at stuff anyway?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is a colaborated work between Darkness-is-Light and myself. We were sitting around, musing different senarios in which Voldemort would infiltrate Hogwarts. We hope you have fun reading these, even if most of them are extremely short and stupid. And you have a comment, then please review. Ideas are always welcome and Let us know if you like them. Reviews are our fuel.

Note: We own nothing, J.K. Rowling has all rights to the Harry Potter characters and series.

Failed Attempt #01

Voldemort walks into the Great Hall at Dinner time, knowing everyone will be there to eat.

He sees Harry Potter, just sitting at the Gryffindor table.

Harry Potter pulls his wand out into the open and points it at Voldemort.

Voldemort leaves.

Not one word is said.

Everyone goes back to eating.


	2. Chapter 2

Failed Attempt # 02

The Glass of the high windows in the Great Hall shatter as Voldemort and his Death Eater Troops enter dramatically. Lord Voldemort lands gracefully in the center of the Slytherin Table.

"Ha!" said Voldemort. He began to laugh manically, "hahahahahahaha! I win! I've finally made it into Hogwarts! Hahahahaha… (Cough cough cough)"

Voldemort trailed off with a stream of painful coughing.

As his coughing frenzy continues, his Death Eater Army drags him away.

Harry shakes his head, wondering if he would ever fear Voldemort again.


	3. Chapter 3

Failed Attempt # 03\

The Doors of the Great Hall are blasted open by multiple Death Eaters.

Voldemort is escorted into the Great Hall by his Death Eaters. He is wrapped loosely in a pink fuzzy blanket that is covered in little white bunnies. A death Eater holds a tissue to Voldemort's nose and has him blow into it.

"Are you sick?" Harry asked

"Yes, I have the flu." replies Voldemort, going into a coughing frenzy, yet again.

"Man, you need a cough drop," interjects Ron

Out of nowhere, a voice cries out, "I've got it!"

Everyone in the hall turned to the voices origin. They saw Dumbledore running down the middle of the Great Hall with a bowl of something held high above his head.

Voldemort snorts and asks Dumbledore, "Exactly what is it that you've got?"

"Lemon Drops. Want one?"

Voldemort, with out saying a word, turns around and begins to walk away. He pauses, tears free of his entourage, and goes back to Dumbledore and his lemon Drops. Voldemort snatches the bowl from Dumbledore and runs away from the Great Hall, his pink blanket fluttering about in the wind.

Dumbledore sat down slowly and gracefully on the ground, his legs stretched out in front of himself.

"I want my Lemon Drops!" he cried and screamed.

Every set of eyes blinked.


	4. Chapter 4

Failed Attempt #04

Voldemort returned once again. This time he came in disguise.

Voldemort entered the Great Hall and asked in a soft voice, "I'm looking for Harry Potter?"

Voldemort was dressed as a hooker. He wore a bright red dress that stopped about the middle of his thigh and a pair of hideous black leather spiked heel boots. Voldemort was also wearing extremely heavy make-up.

Harry, without saying a word to Voldemort, turned to the teachers table and asked them, "Are you seriously believing this?"

"Well, Harry, she does look like a hooker." Said Dumbledore

"Are you all blind? Would a Hooker have something like that?" Harry said as he pointed to the slight bulge where Voldemort's genitals were.

"Transvestite?" said Dumbledore

"You would be surprised, Potter." Said Filch, who appeared out of nowhere

The supposed hooker finally spoke 'her' mind.

"I'm not this person you think I am."

"And who exactly do you think we think you are?"

"Well…The great, powerful, handsome, tall, distinguished Great Dark Lord Voldemort," she replied.

Harry dropped his head and pointed at the doors. "Just get out."

Voldemort turned to leave Hogwarts, but was halted in his efforts by Filch, who had grabbed Voldemort's arm.

Voldemort turned and shuddered when his eyes met the look of lust in Filches eyes.

"You know if Potter doesn't want you, I will be glad to take you."

Voldemort the hooker looked ill and could be heard mumbling about Filch being the first to go as he rushed out of the Great Hall.

Harry was beginning to wonder why he every feared Voldemort.


	5. Chapter 5

Failed Attempt #05

Voldemort staggered into the Great Hall closely followed by his Death Eaters. He was laughing openly and swayed as he clambered through the massive doors.

"Master," asked Malfoy Sr. "Are you drunk?"

"Now, why would you think I am drunk," Voldemort replied hiccupping loudly.

He looked at Goyle Sr. and burst out laughing, saying, "You look like a troll."

Then he turned to Malfoy Sr. and said, "And you look like a ferret, a cute little ferret."

Voldemort looked ill. Malfoy Sr. tried to get away from Voldemort, but to no avail.

Voldemort vomited on Malfoy Sr. "Is that my Bologna?" he asked

"My bologna has a first name. It's O. S. C. A. R." he sang loudly and out of key.

His Death Eaters tried to drag him out of the Great Hall, but he broke free and ran to Harry.

Voldemort looked Harry dead in the eyes. "You know what, Harry? I only hated you because you're dead smexy."

Harry was mortified and never wanted to hear the words he just heard again.

Voldemort then fell asleep in Harry's lap.

"I'm so sorry. We tried to get him to stay at the mansion, but he wouldn't listen to us."

They carried Voldemort, snoring, out of the Great Hall.


	6. Chapter 6

Failed Attempt #06

Voldemort once again walked into the Great Hall. He made his way over to the Golden Trio with his head held high and proud.

Voldemort opened his mouth to speak.

He sneezed.

He sneezed on Ron and Ron, being the immature type he is, stood up and screamed.

"Dark Lord Bogies! Get them off! Get the off! They Burn!"

Voldemort decided to leave silently.


	7. Chapter 7

Failed Attempt #07

Voldemort coolly strutted into the Great Hall. He stopped right in the center of the doorway and shouted, "Look! Pink flying elephants!"

"Tom, are you, how should I put this, High?" asked Dumbledore

"I don't think so, bumble-le-dore, I mean; my feet are still stuck to the ground." Voldemort replied very seriously

"That must have been some good stuff, tom. You know, you could have shared," Replied Dumbledore, "How else would I always have that twinkle in my eye?"

Voldemort stared at Dumbledore for close to three minutes before he finally replied.

"NO, IT'S MINE!"

Voldemort ran out of the Great Hall falling twice on his way out.


	8. Chapter 8

Failed Attempt #08

Voldemort splashed around in his dramatically oversized bathtub. In his hands were two dolls, a Barbie doll in his left and a Bratz doll with poorly painted on red eyes in the other.

"I will defeat you, Harry Potter!" shouted Voldemort as he bombarded the Barbie doll with the Bratz doll. He forced the Barbie under water as if to drown it.

Lucius came to the door to ask a question of his master, but walked in upon the scene.

"Master, are you playing with your dolls again?" he asked

"For the last time, Lucius, they are not DOLLS! They are action figures."

"Whatever you say, Master."

Lucius turned to Wormtail whom happened upon the scene as well and said, "WE need to schedule him another appointment."

"I HEARD THAT!"


	9. Chapter 9

Failed Attempt #09

Voldemort used an invisibility cloak to sneak into Hogwarts.

Voldemort stood behind Dumbledore and took off the invisibility cloak.

Before Dumbledore knew otherwise, Voldemort pulled the giant chair from under the old coot and was now sprinting for the front doors.

Dumbledore's face contorted for a moment before he finally screamed, "I WANT MY BIG CHAIR BACK!"

Harry, after so many encounters of such strange proportions, continues to eat his meal, wondering what Voldemort would be up to this time.


	10. Chapter 10

Failed Attempt #10

Harry was getting ready for bed when he heard a guitar being strummed.

He opened his curtains to see Voldemort sitting in the chair he had stolen from Dumbledore. The chair was floating only feet from the window.

Harry looked on as Voldemort strummed the guitar again and began to sing.

"I am going to kill you, lalalalala."

"One day you will be dead,"

"I am going to kill you, lalalalala."

"That is all to be said."

Voldemort attempted to strum a power chord when he suddenly lost his balance and fell from the big chair. Harry could hear Voldemort scream, "I'll be back," as he plummeted to the ground.

Harry closed the curtains and continued to get ready for bed.


	11. Chapter 11

Failed Attempt #

Harry was sitting in bed laughing at a joke just told by Ron. A tapping begins at the window. Harry looked at the other boys in the room and then at the window questionably. Harry got up from his nice warm bed and opened the curtains. There, on a broomstick, was Lord Voldemort.

"You know you want to let me in, Harry." Coaxed Voldemort

"I wish you the flu…again." Said Harry

"Oh, come on, Harry, you don't mean it…do you?"

Harry just stares at Voldemort for a minute.

Harry closes the curtains and goes back to his bed.

"Harry?"

No answer.

"You know I'm not going away until you open this window."

Again, Harry did not answer.

"Damn you, Harry Potter."

Harry cracked a smile.

"You're smiling aren't you?"

Harry remained silent.

Voldemort tapped on the window.

"Harry, I know you hear me."

Voldemort tapped the window again.

Harry hangs his head and shakes it.

**To Be Continued**


	12. Chapter 12

"Harry, this is your conscience speaking."

Harry tries pitifully to hide his laughter.

"So this is the dark Lord we're so scared of?" said Seamus

"He's pathetic." Said Ron

"I'm not pathetic, you little twit...Harry! Let me in. I just want to talk."

"You're doing that already."

"That's beside the point. It's cold out here."

"Then go away."

Voldemort pauses

"NEVER! Ack!"

Voldemort nearly fell off his broom.

Harry gives in and goes to the window. He opens the curtain and stares at Voldemort.

"Come on, Harry, open the window. Open the damn window."

"Why?"

"Umm…Umm…Please?"

Harry Blinks.

Anonymous spectators yell, "Open the window!"

Harry shakes his head and complies to the invisible crowd.

As soon as the window is open Voldemort charges.

"Charge!"

Harry gets swept up in Voldemort's robes and is dragged across the floor until Voldemort finally stops.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that."

"Right."

"Well, anyway. I'm here to kill you, Harry Potter!"

Voldemort searches his robes for his wand, but does not find it.

"Oh, where is that piece of driftwood?"

"You forgot your wand, didn't you?"

"I believe I did."

"Just go home."

Voldemort mounts his broom and leaves the same way he came in.

"I'll be back when I find my wand!" he yelled back to Harry

Harry closed the window and the curtains and finally goes to bed.


	13. Chapter 13

Failed Attempt #11

Voldemort once again, walked into the Great Hall. He swayed with drunkenness as he crossed the room in the direction of a sleepy Harry.

Lucius Malfoy tries in vain to drag his drunken leader from the hall. Voldemort pukes on Malfoy again.

"Is that the coca puffs I had for breakfast?"

Malfoy rushes from the hall, yelling about, "stupid dark lords and tequila."

Voldemort saunters up to Harry and takes a seat in Ron's lap. Voldemort smiled sloppily at Ron and turned to look Harry dead in the face.

"You know, Harry Potter," he said slurred and in between hiccups, "I respect you."

No sooner had Voldemort said this, he had fallen asleep in Ron's lap, breathing harshly into Ron's face.

Wormtail cowered his way to the Dark Lord.

"I'm really sorry about all this. He missed his last session with the psychiatrist and went into a binge again. He really is trying to turn his life around with all the rehab and psychiatrists visits."

Wormtail and another Death Eater carry Voldemort out of the Hall.


	14. Chapter 14

Failed Attempt #12

Voldemort entered the Great Hall, where everything seems to happen. In his left hand was a Burger King bag and in his right was a Whopper. On his head was a Burger King crown.

"I've got a crown and you don't! Ha ha ha ha ha!" He sang over and over.

He danced over to Harry and waved the Whopper in his face.

"You wanna bite?" asked Voldemort before he, himself, took a bite.

When Harry refused, Voldemort put down his Whopper and forced a French fry into Harry's mouth, nearly choking him.

Dumbledore comes out of nowhere and steals Voldemort's Burger King crown. He starts running around the hall yelling, "Finally! I've got a crown! I am the king of Burgers!"

Voldemort puts down his bag and chases Dumbledore.

"Give me back my crown!"

"Never!"

The students leave, having seen enough displays of immaturity.


	15. Chapter 15

Failed Attempt #15

Voldemort walked into a large Wal-mart super center. After the greeter gave him a strange look, Voldemort was skeptical of the muggle shopping place.

"Dolls, dolls, dolls…" Voldemort whispered to himself as he scanned the isles.

"Maybe they would be in the toy isle?"

Voldemort found the toy isle and looked around. There were several choices for a new "Harry Potter" action figures.

"Can I help you?" asked a Wal-mart employee.

"I need an action figure to represent my arch-enemy Harry Potter. He's small, scrawny, insignificant-looking. Do you have anything like that?" Voldemort turned to the employee who was wearing a skeptical expression

"Of course. Come with me."

The employee led Voldemort to the next toy isle. She stopped suddenly at the Harry Potter action figures.

"It's an exact replica. How did you do this without magic?"

The employee starred at Voldemort for a few moments.

"Right, magic. Do you need anything else?"

"No, that should be…who is this action figure representative of?"

"That is Lord Voldemort."

"But I don't look this…insane and...unfortunate."

Lucius chose that moment to barge in on the conversation.

"My Lord, I said that I would help you find a new 'action figure' if you would just wait for me to lock the mini-van. Uh-oh."

"Lucius…is this really what I look like?"

"Umm…umm…"

"Ooh, when we get back to the bloody mansion…Note to self: skin Lucius alive."

Malfoy Sr. gulped visibly.

"Look what you've done!" Lucius whispered to the employee

The employee seemed a little stunned, but shrugged it off.

Voldemort went to the self check out. When the machine asked for the money, he was at a loss.

"Do you take Galleons?" he asked the machine.

"I don't think it can hear you, Master." Said Lucius when the machine didn't respond

"Shut it, you are a failure."

"Yes, my Dark Lord."

A/N: no harm was inflicted on the Wal-mart employee. No offense meant towards the Wal-mart Super Centers and their employees.

A/N Cont'd: We would like to thank all of our reviewers and readers for well...reading. lol It means a lot that you guys share our insane sense of humor. We fully indorse the chaos! lol We welcome any of your ideas or skits. They will be fully reviewed by both my partner and myself and, more than likely, added onto this piece of work.

To Irishileana : You have our full permission to advertise for us. You have no idea how excited we were when you asked. I think I even ran screaming around my room until I found my cell phone to call my partner-in-crime. lol


	16. Chapter 16

Failed Attempt # 16

"Move over Goyle!" said Lucius

"I can't, mate, there's no more room!"

"Both of you shut the bloody hell up!" Voldemort yelled

"Yes, Master" they said in unison

Voldemort was driving.

Much more than that: Voldemort was driving a mini-van.

Yes, a mini-van.

"Now, one of you idiots tell me why these muggle idiots are trying to hit me!"

"You're driving on the wrong side of the road." Said Lucius

"What did you say?!"

"Nothing"

"That's what I thought."

"Master, watch out!"

"I am you imbecile!"

"Master, your gas light just came on."

"What does that mean?"

"We're almost completely out of gas."

"Ah, where do we get more?"

"At a gas station."

"All right, who let one rip?" asked Bellatrix in the middle row

Crabbe raised his hand slowly.

"You!" said Bellatrix, yelling and pointing at Crabbe.

Bellatrix climbed into the back of the van and started to beat Crabbe up.

"Lucius, take the wheel! I'm going in." said Voldemort as he put on an Army helmet.

Voldemort tried desperately to stop the fighting.

"My lord? Do you want to go to Shell or BP for gas?"

"Who the hell is BP?!" Voldemort yelled back to the front of the van.

"Never mind."

"I think we need a bigger van." Said Goyle

"Me, too." Said Lucius


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: Hi there! Thanks everyone for the Reviews…We were so encouraged by them that we came up with 14 new skits. A little note: some of the attempts may not be actual attempts. Although, it really doesn't matter, it's what's funny that counts. We apologize for any delays that you may be unhappy with…we are lazy people. Lol

Failed Attempt # 17

Voldemort sat on the floor of the Riddle mansion's den making siren noises.

"Eee ooh eee ooh eee ooh!"

Lucius came in to check that his master had not broken anything or anyone.

"Master, what are you doing?"

"I'm pretending that I fatally injured Potter and that the dum-dums on the light side were sending him to the hospital in an ambudence."

"Ambudence? Don't you mean Ambulance?"

"No, I mean ambudence."

"Why an ambudence?"

"Because it's slow and Potty will die on the way to the hospital just like in all my soap operas."

Lucius walked out of the room without another word.

(A/N: No offense to the actors and actresses in soaps or the people that watch them.)


	18. Chapter 18

Failed Attempt # 18

Voldemort reclined in the dust covered armchair as the commercials started once again.

Snape and Lucius walked to the door of the den that Voldemort was occupying.

"See? I told you he watched soap on a vellytision."

"You mean Television."

"No, I mean Vellytision."

Voldemort gasped immensely as the main actress on the screen fell to the floor.

"What is it my lord? What happened?!"

"Georgina just fainted from the shock of being told that she was pregnant with her half brother's child." He answered

Snape pulled Lucius back into the hall.

"I think you have a real problem here."

"You're telling me! Now I'll never hear the end of it."

"You stupid machine! I'll kill you!"

Lucius and Snape reentered the den.

"What happened now?" asked Lucius

"They canceled my favorite soap." Said Voldemort as he sniffled

"I stand corrected." Lucius whispered to Snape


	19. Chapter 19

Sorry, dear readers for my absences. Life in general took over...again. Anyway, you should know that everything has calmed down and I should (should being the stressed word here) be able to post more often. I still welcome ideas! Now...on to the stupidity!!!

**Failed Attempt # 19**

Voldemort breezed into the Great Hall. Everyone watched him closely, amused looks on their faces.

"Why is everyone looking at me?" Voldemort whispered to Lucius

"Because you do something funny every time you come here." Answered a small first year Hufflepuff

"Oh. Well, Harry, I have come to kill you, as usual…again."

Voldemort pulled his wand out of his robes. It fell limp. Voldemort examined what he thought was his wand to find that it was a wet spaghetti noodle.

"Damn Wizarding Wheezes investment plan." Mumbled Voldemort as he trudged out of the hall

"I'll be back when I get my wand!" he yelled back to Harry

"I know." Said Harry to Ron as Voldemort stormed out of the hall.

"You know...he's beyond pitiful..." said Ron

"Yeah, I know."

"So why does Flamed-heart keep writing these little skits?"

"Not even Tralawney could predict that."

"Trawlawney couldn't even see her nose in front of her face."

"I know"

"I heard that!" shouted Trelawney from nowhere.


	20. Chapter 20

Failed Attempt # 20

"No one is to disturb me! No one! I must meditate for the sake of my sanity!" screamed Voldemort pitifully

"Yes, master. Your sanity is of the utmost importance!" said Wormtail

"Yeah, that's why we spend thousands of dollars a year sending him to psychologists and sociologists." whispered Malfoy to Snape as Voldemort shut the doors.

Voldemort sat down in a meditative position, ready to start his mind cleansing. He began his mantras and closed his eyes.

After a very long while, Voldemort fell asleep. He began to dream of killing Harry, as he did almost every night…day…whenever he sleeps.

Voldemort concentrated so hard on killing Harry in his dream that he Apparated himself to Hogwarts.

Voldemort could hear laughter.

"Why is there an audience laughing at my dream?" he asked himself

Then, he opened his eyes to see the entire student body of Hogwarts pointing and laughing at him.

He looked down.

He was naked.

"Harry Potter!"

"Why are you blaming me? I can't make you forget to Apparate your clothes."

"I really don't know…I think it's because somewhere deep down I'm insecure and can't handle my own problems."

"Oh. Well, are you gonna run away screaming your return?"

"Oh, yes! I almost forgot. Thank you."

"You're really not welcome."

Voldemort had no retort. He simply began to cry.

Harry stared at Voldemort very angrily.

"No! You're so mean!" screamed Voldemort as he ran away.


End file.
